The New Mommy in Me

I firmly believe that answers come when we have the desire to know. Heavenly Father knows what is in our hearts, what weighs on our minds, and wants to be there for us.

About 2 years ago, when I was pregnant with Maecie, my burning question was whether or not I should at home with my children, not working outside of the home. Even before marriage and children I worked a full-time job. When I graduated college, I went straight to the classroom. I was unsure what stay-at-home mothers did. I didn't know if I would be any good at it. However, I felt it was the right move. I felt that my children needed me more than the schools and more than my extra paycheck. I felt even more confident of this when changes in my career occurred and my options were being limited.

As confident as I was in that change and that it was the correct move, for my family, I have been even less confident in being the "perfect mom". All mothers have "mom worry" and "mom envy". We worry that we are allowing our children to watch too much TV, or that they don't know how to count to 100 by the age of 3. We envy those moms that have houses that seem to be always clean while still playing with the children. But they are simply mental obstacles. There isn't a mom, that I have met, that feels they are doing everything perfectly. Because, in truth, we aren't. However, we are all doing the best we can and the best we know how.

When I had my first child, Clayton, I think I lost myself. I started stressing over when he was fed, when he slept, how long we played, and that dinner was ready for my husband when he got home. I thought so much about everyone else that I forgot to think about myself. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. And yet, I have to take a time out for me. I still worked a full time job, had to keep the house clean, do all of the shopping and more. {Reflecting on it now, I have NO idea how this was accomplished. Other than it probably wasn't accomplished.}

When I was in high school and college, I was incredibly happy. I was constantly on the go, with a smile on my face and a song in my head. I was dancing and playing and having a great time. But once adulthood really set in and I became a mom, a homemaker, a teacher, all rolled into one, I let some of that excitement and happiness slide. I no longer danced on stools and sang with wooden spoons. In a sense, I was no longer me.

Over the course of the years, I have read inspirational books, prayed hard, talked with family and friends, and nothing seemed to change. I wanted a "fix" for my rut. It hasn't been until the last week that I have felt a change.

It began on Sunday while at church. We were having a discussion about desires and priorities in Relief Society {al all women class}. Someone remarked that Satan tries to make us feel like we are unworthy mothers. That we are not doing enough for our children, husbands, or families. However, when we are doing our best, we are doing all that the Lord asks of us. If He did not have faith in our abilities, we would not have the opportunities given to us. This made me think that I needed to double check to ensure my desires and priorities were in the correct order. If I put the Lord first, the the cooking, cleaning, and care giving would fall into place. So I made a resolution to do just that. I would dive into reading the scriptures. I would be sure to say my prayers and be a good example of faith for my children. I woke Monday morning with a little pep in my step.

As the day progressed, something unimaginable occurred. A friend passed away. She left behind 4 small children and a husband that depended on her to keep the household running. I was stopped in my tracks. What if something happened to me? Would my children think of me as a happy person? Or the one who fussed at them? Would they know what was important to me? Would they remember having fun with me? Or that I was always cleaning?

It wasn't until Tuesday afternoon that the switch happened. We were riding in the car and Alanis Morrisette's "Ironic" song came on the radio. It was a song I remembered singing with friends during middle school/high school years. It reminded me of all the songs I sang in the car with friends or at friend's houses. I immediately grabbed the water bottle and began singing. I sang the entire song at the top of my lungs. My husband looked at my oddly and my children sat in their seats stunned. They had never seen me do this before. How could I go through life not singing my favorite tunes with fake microphones? Hello?! I have done that my entire life, and yet, not in the last 5 or 6 years. I have to bring myself back! I have to be me for my family so they know the real me! {Does that even make sense to anyone?!}

I have made it a full 24 hours. I worked a little on laundry while the kids played this morning. Then we ran all around town running errands and doing our previously scheduled things. We ate dinner at the table as a family. And finished the evening with baths, a walk around the neighborhood, books, and no TV! Focusing on the family, spending quality time with them, and reminding the of the love of Heavenly Father is my job! The laundry and dishes can wait. I think I have found the new mommy in me!

{Hoping I get this all right from the beginning with little Beare #3 :) }